TIHTYL #2: Twilight

I think I am mostly disturbed by the adults who freak out over these weird little vampires (that can apparently go out in the sun and SPARKLE).  If a bunch of 40-year-old men were walking around screeching about how much they want to do, I dunno, Selena Gomez, everyone would call them pedophiles.  But it's okay if you're women? Also, Robert Pattinson looks like a foot. 

But everyone is up in arms about these books.  I don't get it.  From what I hear, they're not even well-written. I refuse to waste a second (or a cent) to crack one open.  And, as with music, I don't have high standards for literature.  I read the entire Babysitter's Club AND Sweet Valley High series.  Of course, I read them when I was eight.  But I still reread them sometimes now.  And they're hilariously bad.  I guess I don't understand how anyone over the age of 13 can not laugh hysterically at these books... 

Because at 13, you still might believe that you can fall for a guy who sparkles, can protect you from werewolves, and will never ever want to touch your naughty places until you're married.

By 15, you should know better.  Please learn to know better, people.

Anyway, vampires don't have shit on zombies.  If Twilight were about zombies, and the series called "BRAAAIIINNNNSSS" and in the end Kristen Stewart had her brain eaten by Robert Pattinson and then Taylor Lautner shot him in the head (to destroy the brain, duh), and also Kristen Stewart/Bella had a personality...then, and only then, would I consider it.

So yeah, if Twilight was a TOTALLY DIFFERENT SERIES, I would consider it.  See, I can compromise!

God, Twilight sucks.

TIHTYL #1: Dave Matthews Band

Let me start this blog off on the right foot.  I fucking hate Dave Matthews and his stupid band.  Everyone else goes on for days about how "brilliant" he is, and oh, he's so smart and cute (REALLY?).  Fact: these people have bad taste in music.

Now, I don't hate Dave Matthews because I feel my taste in music is superior.  I do not, and whole-heartedly admit to liking my share of crappy music.  I love matchbox 20.  So we can get that counterargument out of the way.  I hate Dave Matthews simply because his music sucks and he's an annoying motherfucker.  Jam bands in general suck. OAR?  Sucks.  But let's be honest - DMB sucks the worst.  And we probably wouldn't have to listen to the likes of OAR without him.  Thanks, DM.
His lyrics are not good, but many an untalented lyricist has made it big (and I've probably enjoyed). But the overall effect of his "jams" with bad lyrics? Makes me want to puke. 

Well, maybe it's more the fact that he is, literally, a lying sack of shit.  Nah. I hated him before he took a dump on a number of people.  And having met some of his fans, they'd probably pay good money for Dave Matthews to purposefully poop on them.  I mean, they do spend money on his concerts.

I think that's another problem with his - his FANS. Jesus Christ, people, he doesn't give a shit about you.  Defending him on blogs (such as this one. Come on out) won't make him love you. He won't. He only loves himself! That's why he keeps writing the SAME GODDAMN SONG over and over and taking your money for it.  P.S., you also aren't on a first name basis with him.  If you tell me you're going to see "Dave," I'll ask "Dave who?"  Mostly because I try and forget he exists and people I love dearly, love him dearly.  Must. Repress.


I don't expect this to have any impact.  I don't expect any posts in this blog to influence your love of things that suck.  I'm just pointing out that Dave Matthews Band sucks.