TIHTYL #3: Bicycles

One of my main mottos in life is this: "Fuck a bike."

My hated for bikes started early and can be blamed entirely on my parents.  They bought me a bike.  It had training wheels, I think.  I don't recall expressing interest in taking up biking, but supposedly it's something normal kids do.

To begin my lessons, my parents took me to the top of the street, and with me on the bike and my dad holding the seat, they told me to pedal. I did.  However, they had failed to plan for physics - an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force.  Hence, if you put a kid on a bike at the top of the hill, she will go faster than you can run DOWN the hill, until she meets another force - in this case, a (parked) car.  See, I didn't yet know how to brake, turn, or do much but pedal.  Thus head met car. 

My dad made a few more futile attempts at teaching me to ride, maybe once a year, but it never happened. So I can't ride a bike.  But really, fuck a bike. I don't like bikes.  Bikes can't even stand up on their own. You know what can?  A car. And me.

And you motherfuckers who ride bikes in the city? Fuck your bike!  Especially those of you who ride bikes in the city, ignore the laws, ignore the bike lane (where there is one), ignore the cars around you trying to go places TODAY, and ignore everyone around you because you think you're special on your stupid douchemobile.  Your bike does not belong on major highways.  If the speed limit is above, say, 35, your bike doesn't belong there. Your bike cannot go 45 miles an hour, and thus it is just stupid for it to be on a road with a 45mph speed limit.  Please also note that you should be stopping at red lights and WAITING FOR A GREEN LIGHT, and you should also wait your turn, not ride up in front of all the cars stopped at a legally binding stoplight so you can slow them down again when the light turns green.

Oh, but you ride your bike to work? That's fine. Go ahead! Good for you! I support exercise and alternate transportation.  That still doesn't give you the right to fuck up everyone else's commute.  Take the bike paths.  Stay in your lane. Follow the rules.

But mostly, fuck a bike.  You'll never catch me riding one.  I'm okay with not being able to ride one, too.  Bikes are stupid.  My other motto is "if it can't stand up on it's own, I'm not riding it."  Take that for all it's worth.