Tucker Max. Ew. What the fuck is wrong with you, if you're one of these assholes who like him?
There's absolutely no defense for him.
Oh, you think his stories are funny? Oh, you think he's a good writer?
a) you're wrong. and b) YOU'RE WRONG.
Here's the thing about Tucker Max. He's a fucking douchebag. Many of his stories come pretty close to, if not qualify as, rape. Are you pro-rape? No, you wouldn't admit THAT. But you'd probably say something like "he just gets drunk and has fun!" Remind me not to hang out with you.
And his stories aren't funny, they're gross. They are merely examples of disgusting human behavior that should not be tolerated or encouraged. Buying his book, or, god forbid, seeing that terrible fucking movie, merely sends him the message that "hey, Tucker Max, I'm okay with what you do. I'm okay with how you treat women. I'm okay with you being a dishonest, disgusting human being. Keep up the good work!" And Tucker Max thinks "Great! I'll keep doing this!"
But then again, when he epically fails, he'll just blame you for his failure. It only made a million dollars, people. That's how bad it was.
AND YOU KEEP BUYING IT.
I swear I have never met a single guy who likes Tucker Max and is also a decent person. I am not even joking. If I know you, and you like Tucker Max, you have issues. Seek help.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
TIHTYL #3: Bicycles
One of my main mottos in life is this: "Fuck a bike."
My hated for bikes started early and can be blamed entirely on my parents. They bought me a bike. It had training wheels, I think. I don't recall expressing interest in taking up biking, but supposedly it's something normal kids do.
To begin my lessons, my parents took me to the top of the street, and with me on the bike and my dad holding the seat, they told me to pedal. I did. However, they had failed to plan for physics - an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force. Hence, if you put a kid on a bike at the top of the hill, she will go faster than you can run DOWN the hill, until she meets another force - in this case, a (parked) car. See, I didn't yet know how to brake, turn, or do much but pedal. Thus head met car.
My dad made a few more futile attempts at teaching me to ride, maybe once a year, but it never happened. So I can't ride a bike. But really, fuck a bike. I don't like bikes. Bikes can't even stand up on their own. You know what can? A car. And me.
And you motherfuckers who ride bikes in the city? Fuck your bike! Especially those of you who ride bikes in the city, ignore the laws, ignore the bike lane (where there is one), ignore the cars around you trying to go places TODAY, and ignore everyone around you because you think you're special on your stupid douchemobile. Your bike does not belong on major highways. If the speed limit is above, say, 35, your bike doesn't belong there. Your bike cannot go 45 miles an hour, and thus it is just stupid for it to be on a road with a 45mph speed limit. Please also note that you should be stopping at red lights and WAITING FOR A GREEN LIGHT, and you should also wait your turn, not ride up in front of all the cars stopped at a legally binding stoplight so you can slow them down again when the light turns green.
Oh, but you ride your bike to work? That's fine. Go ahead! Good for you! I support exercise and alternate transportation. That still doesn't give you the right to fuck up everyone else's commute. Take the bike paths. Stay in your lane. Follow the rules.
But mostly, fuck a bike. You'll never catch me riding one. I'm okay with not being able to ride one, too. Bikes are stupid. My other motto is "if it can't stand up on it's own, I'm not riding it." Take that for all it's worth.
My hated for bikes started early and can be blamed entirely on my parents. They bought me a bike. It had training wheels, I think. I don't recall expressing interest in taking up biking, but supposedly it's something normal kids do.
To begin my lessons, my parents took me to the top of the street, and with me on the bike and my dad holding the seat, they told me to pedal. I did. However, they had failed to plan for physics - an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by another force. Hence, if you put a kid on a bike at the top of the hill, she will go faster than you can run DOWN the hill, until she meets another force - in this case, a (parked) car. See, I didn't yet know how to brake, turn, or do much but pedal. Thus head met car.
My dad made a few more futile attempts at teaching me to ride, maybe once a year, but it never happened. So I can't ride a bike. But really, fuck a bike. I don't like bikes. Bikes can't even stand up on their own. You know what can? A car. And me.
And you motherfuckers who ride bikes in the city? Fuck your bike! Especially those of you who ride bikes in the city, ignore the laws, ignore the bike lane (where there is one), ignore the cars around you trying to go places TODAY, and ignore everyone around you because you think you're special on your stupid douchemobile. Your bike does not belong on major highways. If the speed limit is above, say, 35, your bike doesn't belong there. Your bike cannot go 45 miles an hour, and thus it is just stupid for it to be on a road with a 45mph speed limit. Please also note that you should be stopping at red lights and WAITING FOR A GREEN LIGHT, and you should also wait your turn, not ride up in front of all the cars stopped at a legally binding stoplight so you can slow them down again when the light turns green.
Oh, but you ride your bike to work? That's fine. Go ahead! Good for you! I support exercise and alternate transportation. That still doesn't give you the right to fuck up everyone else's commute. Take the bike paths. Stay in your lane. Follow the rules.
But mostly, fuck a bike. You'll never catch me riding one. I'm okay with not being able to ride one, too. Bikes are stupid. My other motto is "if it can't stand up on it's own, I'm not riding it." Take that for all it's worth.
Friday, July 2, 2010
TIHTYL #2: Twilight
But everyone is up in arms about these books. I don't get it. From what I hear, they're not even well-written. I refuse to waste a second (or a cent) to crack one open. And, as with music, I don't have high standards for literature. I read the entire Babysitter's Club AND Sweet Valley High series. Of course, I read them when I was eight. But I still reread them sometimes now. And they're hilariously bad. I guess I don't understand how anyone over the age of 13 can not laugh hysterically at these books...
Because at 13, you still might believe that you can fall for a guy who sparkles, can protect you from werewolves, and will never ever want to touch your naughty places until you're married.
By 15, you should know better. Please learn to know better, people.
Anyway, vampires don't have shit on zombies. If Twilight were about zombies, and the series called "BRAAAIIINNNNSSS" and in the end Kristen Stewart had her brain eaten by Robert Pattinson and then Taylor Lautner shot him in the head (to destroy the brain, duh), and also Kristen Stewart/Bella had a personality...then, and only then, would I consider it.
So yeah, if Twilight was a TOTALLY DIFFERENT SERIES, I would consider it. See, I can compromise!
God, Twilight sucks.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
TIHTYL #1: Dave Matthews Band
Let me start this blog off on the right foot. I fucking hate Dave Matthews and his stupid band. Everyone else goes on for days about how "brilliant" he is, and oh, he's so smart and cute (REALLY?). Fact: these people have bad taste in music.
Now, I don't hate Dave Matthews because I feel my taste in music is superior. I do not, and whole-heartedly admit to liking my share of crappy music. I love matchbox 20. So we can get that counterargument out of the way. I hate Dave Matthews simply because his music sucks and he's an annoying motherfucker. Jam bands in general suck. OAR? Sucks. But let's be honest - DMB sucks the worst. And we probably wouldn't have to listen to the likes of OAR without him. Thanks, DM.
His lyrics are not good, but many an untalented lyricist has made it big (and I've probably enjoyed). But the overall effect of his "jams" with bad lyrics? Makes me want to puke.
Well, maybe it's more the fact that he is, literally, a lying sack of shit. Nah. I hated him before he took a dump on a number of people. And having met some of his fans, they'd probably pay good money for Dave Matthews to purposefully poop on them. I mean, they do spend money on his concerts.
I think that's another problem with his - his FANS. Jesus Christ, people, he doesn't give a shit about you. Defending him on blogs (such as this one. Come on out) won't make him love you. He won't. He only loves himself! That's why he keeps writing the SAME GODDAMN SONG over and over and taking your money for it. P.S., you also aren't on a first name basis with him. If you tell me you're going to see "Dave," I'll ask "Dave who?" Mostly because I try and forget he exists and people I love dearly, love him dearly. Must. Repress.
I don't expect this to have any impact. I don't expect any posts in this blog to influence your love of things that suck. I'm just pointing out that Dave Matthews Band sucks.
Now, I don't hate Dave Matthews because I feel my taste in music is superior. I do not, and whole-heartedly admit to liking my share of crappy music. I love matchbox 20. So we can get that counterargument out of the way. I hate Dave Matthews simply because his music sucks and he's an annoying motherfucker. Jam bands in general suck. OAR? Sucks. But let's be honest - DMB sucks the worst. And we probably wouldn't have to listen to the likes of OAR without him. Thanks, DM.
His lyrics are not good, but many an untalented lyricist has made it big (and I've probably enjoyed). But the overall effect of his "jams" with bad lyrics? Makes me want to puke.
Well, maybe it's more the fact that he is, literally, a lying sack of shit. Nah. I hated him before he took a dump on a number of people. And having met some of his fans, they'd probably pay good money for Dave Matthews to purposefully poop on them. I mean, they do spend money on his concerts.
I think that's another problem with his - his FANS. Jesus Christ, people, he doesn't give a shit about you. Defending him on blogs (such as this one. Come on out) won't make him love you. He won't. He only loves himself! That's why he keeps writing the SAME GODDAMN SONG over and over and taking your money for it. P.S., you also aren't on a first name basis with him. If you tell me you're going to see "Dave," I'll ask "Dave who?" Mostly because I try and forget he exists and people I love dearly, love him dearly. Must. Repress.
I don't expect this to have any impact. I don't expect any posts in this blog to influence your love of things that suck. I'm just pointing out that Dave Matthews Band sucks.
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